Remembering Shorty

Twenty years ago today I was marking the day before as one day further away from a very deep hole....then the phone rang. At the other end was the sister of someone who I had shared that hole with for the previous ten years, and all she said was, “Shorty's gone.” For those few seconds that it took to process what she meant, so much flashed through my mind. It was another turning point in my life of which there have been many. Safe to say there is at least one book that could be written about those ten years Shorty and I share the dark space, and quite another book be written about these past twenty years. But without those ten years, these past twenty would tell quite a different tale. We were partners, and I will never leave him behind.

He is buried at Ft. Logan National Cemetery. At 18 he joined the United States Army with one goal, to be Airborne infantryman. From 1967-1973 he did three tours of duty in Vietnam earning five Purple Hearts along with some other miscellaneous medal. In all he gave this country 21 years of his life wearing the Army uniform of this country. These few words say little about who he was and what he could have been, had we had a little more time. The true cost of war is immeasurable. I fucking hate war.

The Wall Within

                                                 
We'll be heading out this morning, and plan to get to D.C. Sunday evening. I've been saying for 25 years, one day I will visit the “Wall.” Someday is finally here.

Here's poem written by Steve Mason that was read at the 1984 dedication of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. In 1986 Steve Mason released a book of his poetry titled "Johnny's Song." My brother Jim sent me a copy of the book back then, and I read it more than a few times Then I sat it up on the shelf where it has remained until about a week ago.

War sucks, and the bills never stop coming in. This trip has been along time coming.

Found this song on youtube that I liked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bynVL4XezXg



"Dedicated
to all of us
who know the true cost
of war
and have paid the price."

The Wall Within

Most real men
hanging tough
in their early forties
would like the rest of us to think
they could really handle one more war
and two more women.
But I know better.
You have no more lies to tell.

I have no more dreams to believe.
I have seen it in your face
I am sure you have noticed it
in mine;
at the unutterable,
unalterable truth of our war.
The eye sees
what the mind believes.
And all that I know of war,
all that I have heard of peace,
has me looking over my shoulder
for that one bullet
which still has my name on it--circling
round and round the globe
waiting and circling
circling and waiting
until I break from cover
and it takes its best, last shot.

In the absence of Time,
the accuracy of guilt is assured.
It is a cosmic marksman.
Since Vietnam,
I have run a zigzag course
across the open fields of America
taking refuge in the inner cities.
From Mac Arthur Park
to Washington Square

rom Centennial Park
to DuPont Circle,
on the grassy, urban knolls of America
I have seen an army of combat veterans
hidden among the trees.
Veterans of all our recent wars.
Each a part of the best of his generation.
Waiting in his teeth for peace.

They do not lurk there
on the backs of park benches
drooling into their socks
above the remote, turtled back
of chess player playing soldiers.
They do not perch upon the gutter's lip
of midnight fountains
and noontime wishing wells
like surrealistic gargoyles
guarding the coins and simple wishes
of young lovers.

No.

I have seen them in the quiet dignity
of their aloneness.
Singly, in the confidence
of their own perspective.
And always at the edges of the clearing.
Patrolling like perimeter guards,
or observing as primitive gods,
each in his own way looks out to the park
that he might "see" in to the truth.

Some, like me
enjoy the comfortable base
of a friendly tree that we might cock one eye
to the center of the park
toward the rearing bronze horsemen
of other wars
who would lead us backwards to glory.
Daily, they are fragged
by a platoon of disgruntled pigeons saying it best for all of us.

And with the other eye,
we read the poetry of America the Beautiful
as she combs her midday hair
and eats precise shrimp sandwiches
and salad Nicoise catered by Tupperware--
and never leaves a single crumb.

No wonder America is the only country in the world which doesn't smell like food.

...and I remember you and me
picnicking at the side
of the Ho Chi Minh Trail in the rain
eating the Limas and Ham from the can
sitting easy in our youth and our strength
driving hard bargains with each other
for the C-ration goodies
we unwrapped like Christmas presents.
Somehow it really seemed to matter
what he got versus what you got.

It wasn't easy trading cheese and crackers
for chocolate-covered peanut butter cookies!
And the pound cake--Forget about it!
I knew a guy who would cut a hole in it
and pretend it was a doughnut.
For six months I watched that
and refused to ask him about it.
I did finally. And you guessed it.
He hated pound cake.
And remember the water biscuit
that came in its own tin?--
I think they had the moxie to call it a cookie--
it came with the marmalade
and was made by that outfit in Chicago
we promised to burn to the ground someday.
Damn, how did your buddy, the animal,
ever eat that crap?
Then, we'd happily wash down the whole mess
with freckly-faced strawberry Kool-Aid
straight from the canteen
some days there'd be goofy grape
(anything to keep from choking on the taste of purified water).
Bleck.

But somehow I sensed all the while
that I'd never be able to forgive myself
for enjoying your company so much
or being so good at the game we played.
We were the best--you and I.

In our parks there are whole other armies of veterans
mostly young and mostly old
but always ageless
who are not alone.
They share with their families
and their friends


hese open-aired
above-ground time capsules
of our national culture.
They read aloud to themselves
and their children
from the plaques and statues
monuments and markers
those one-line truths
of our common experience
as if there could be a real significance
in words like Love and Hate tattooed
on the clenched, granite fists of America.

Sometimes, when I am angry
it seems as if I could start my own country
with the same twenty Spill and Spell words
we shake out at the feet of our heroes
like some crone spreading her hands
over the runes prior to a mystic reading.
Words like:
peace and sacrifice, war and young
supreme and duty, service and honor
country, nation, men and men and men again,
sometimes God and don't forget women!
Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines and freedom.
Then, just as quickly, the anger passes
and reverence takes its place.
Those are good words, noble words, solemn
& sincere.
It is the language of Death
which frightens me;
it is unearthly to speak life concepts
over the dead.
Death is inarticulately final
refusing forever to negotiate.
That, and the awesome responsibility
we place eternally on our fallen
teenage sons,
seems unbearably heavy
against the lengthening prancing
shadows of Sunday's frisbees.

Apparently, there is no period
which can be placed after sacrifice.
All life is struggle.
An act of natural balance
and indomitable courage.
As it is with man
so it is with mankind.
If we permit Memorial Day
to come to us every day,
we ignore the concept of sacrifice
and dilute its purpose.

When we do that
we incur the responsibility to effect change.
If we are successful, the sacrifice has renewed meaning.
It seems there is no alternative to life.
But there may be to war...

The values of our society
seem to be distributed in our parks
and find only confusion and sadness.
Strange, I have observed no monuments
to survivors.
No obelisk to mark the conflict
of those who risked
and lived perhaps to fight again
or perhaps to speak of peace.
Nowhere, yet, a wall for the living.
There is no wonder
guilt is the sole survivor of war.
We do not celebrate life after combat
because our concept of glory
lives neither in victory nor in peace
but in Death.

There are plaques at the doorsteps of skyscrapers;
in New York on the 10th and the Avenue
of the Americas it reads:

IN MEMORY OF THOSE
FROM
GREENWICH VILLAGE
WHO MADE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE
IN THE KOREAN CONFLICT
1950-1053

In Nashville's Centennial Park
in a shaded wood
to one side of the Parthenon


built to scale and to the glory
which was Greece,
a small statue stands;
it is inscribed:
I GAVE MY BEST
TO MAKE A BETTER WORLD
1917-1918

I stood there one fall
ankle deep in leaves
and looked up at the night sky
through a hole in a ceiling of trees
wondering how much better the world
might look from up there.
From the moon
only one manmade object
can be viewed by the naked eye:
The Great Wall of China
(a tribute to man's functional paranoia).
It's a peculiar perspective
because we're a lot closer
and the only manmade object we see
is THE Wall in Washington, D.C.
(the veterans' solemn pledge to remember)

There is one other wall, of course.
One we never speak of.
One we never see,
One which separates memory from madness.
In a place no one offers flowers.
THE WALL WITHIN.
We permit no visitors.
Mine looks like any of a million
nameless, brick walls--
it stands in the tear-down ghetto of my soul;
that part of me which reason avoids
for fear of dirtying its clothes
and from atop which my sorrow and my rage
hurl bottles and invectives
at the rolled-up windows
of my passing youth.
Do you know the wall I mean?

I learned of mine that night in the rain
when I spoke at the memorial in Washington.
We all noticed how the wall ran like tears
and every man's name we found
on the polished, black granite face
seemed to have our eyes staring back at us,
crying.
It was haunting.
Later I would realize
I had caught my first glimpse
of the Wall Within.
And those tears were real.

You and I do not walk about the Wall Within
like Hamlet on the battlements.
No one with our savvy
would expose himself like that
especially to a frightened, angry man.
Suicide loiters in our subconscious
and bears a grudge; an assassin
on hashish.
We must be wary.
No. We sit there legless in our immobility
rolling precariously in our self-pity
like ugly Humpty Dumpties
with disdain even for the king's horses
as we lean over the ledge to write
upside down with chalk, bleached white
with our truth
the names of all the other casualties
of the Vietnam War
(our loved one)
the ones Pentagon didn't put in uniform
but died anyway.
Some because they stopped being who they always were
just as truly as if they'd found
another way to breathe.
Others, because they did die
honest-to-God casualties of the Vietnam War
because they lost the will to breathe at all.

My mother gave her first recital
at Carnegie Hall at age eleven.
Sometimes, when I was a boy
I'd watch her play the piano
and wonder if, God, after all, was not a woman.
One evening when I was in the bush
she turned on the 6:00 news
and died of a heart attack.
My mother's name is on the Wall Within.

You starting to get the idea?

Our lists may be different
but shoulder to shoulder
if we could find the right flat cloud
on a perfect, black night
we could project our images
upon a god-size drive-in theatre
wide enough to race Ben Hur across
for a thousand years...

Because the Wall Within
adds up the true cost of war...
We can recite 58,012 in our sleep
even the day after they update it,
but how many of those KIA had kids?
How many of them got nice step-dads?
Whose wall do they go on?
And what about you vets
who came home to your wife and kids
only to divorce her because
there wasn't anyone to be angry at?
How many dimes
have you heard long-distance fathers
dropped into the slot
to hear how another man
was raising your children?

Yeah, Yeah, I can hear you hollerin',
"Put it on the wall! Put it on the wall!"
Damn right, it's on the wall...
And you remember how that came down?
you told the three year old
his daddy loved him
and his mommy loved him
and nothing would ever change that.
But it did anyway.
But not because you didn't love him enough,
but because you loved him too much
to be a part-time daddy.
And you couldn't explain that to him
because you couldn't explain it to you.
What the hell? I mean who were you,
Spinoza? You came home a twenty-two-year-old
machine gunner for chrissake,
you did the best you could.

PUT IT ON THE WALL!!

And somewhere, in an art gallery, maybe
is a portrait of American Grieving Parenthood.
Handholding, Rockwellian caricatures
of wisdom and forbearance
and oh yes, pride
sitting on the front porch
of the township
waving their lemonades
at the Greyhound bus driver.
Baloney. The names go UP!

Because every time you can't find Mom,
you damn well better call Doc Smith
cause she's up on the second floor again
sitting on the floor in Johnny's closet
smelling his Varsity sweater
with the sleeves around her shoulders
sobbing something maybe only Johnny ever
understood.

But don't worry about dad,
who never fished again,
or watched a ballgame on TV again
and won't talk to anyone this year
between the ages of thirty and forty.
He's doing fine.
He just doesn't exercise
as much as he should,
but Doc Smith assures us there's no medical
reason why the folks should have separate bedrooms;
Dad just likes to read a lot these days.

If you and I were men of common conscious
we might agree on a collective dedication
to our Walls Within.
As for me
they could all read:
This wall is dedicated
to mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,
wives, husbands,
sons, daughters,
lovers, friends,
and most of all dreams
of the men and women
who risked it all in Vietnam
while you continued to lose them
during and after the war
with less a chance than they for a parade
and no chance at all for an explanation.

You lost them to bullets, internment,
drugs, suicide, alcohol, jail, PTSD
Divorce, but never never did you any of you
ever lose them to the truth
which is now being shared
across this great nation
in such an act of spontaneous
moral courage, it's like many
never have been seen on any battlefield
in the history of mankind....


Amen to that, brother.

Steve Mason, VVA poet laureate


********************


PORTLAND, Oregon Steve Mason, a soldier and poet who became the unofficial bard of the Vietnam War, died on May 25 in Ashland, Oregon. He was 65. The cause of death was lung cancer his family said. Mason's poems were particularly appreciated by many veterans of the Vietnam War. His poem "The Wall Within" was read at the 1984 dedication of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, known as the Wall, in Washington. His poetry concerning the war was an effort to make sense of it and to connect with others who had had similar experiences in Vietnam, said Diane Weirch, his former wife. Mason began by writing love poems in the 1970s, co-writing "Moths and Violets" with a friend. Eventually, he began opening up the wounds of war in blank verse, publishing the trilogy he is best known for - "Johnny's Song: Poetry of a Vietnam Veteran" in 1986, "Warrior for Peace" in 1988 and "The Human Being - A Warrior's Journey Toward Peace and Mutual Healing" in 1990.

Not Just Numbers, Good Soldiers All

(Do we) find the cost of freedom, buried in the ground
Mother earth will swallow you, lay your body down
Find the cost of freedom, buried in the ground
Mother earth will swallow you, lay your body down

When we go to war we should preconsider out losses against possible gains

There are 58,267 names now listed on that polished black wall, including those added in 2010.


The names are arranged in the order in which they were taken from us by date and within each date the names are alphabetized. It is hard to believe it is 36 years since the last casualties.

Beginning at the apex on panel 1E and going out to the end of the East wall, appearing to recede into the earth (numbered 70E - May 25, 1968), then resuming at the end of the West wall, as the wall emerges from the earth (numbered 70W - continuing May 25, 1968) and ending with a date in 1975. Thus the war's beginning and end meet. The war is complete, coming full circle, yet broken by the earth that bounds the angle's open side and contained within the earth itself.

The first known casualty was Richard B. Fitzgibbon, of North Weymouth, MA listed by the U.S. Department of Defense as having been killed on June 8, 1956.

His name is listed on the Wall with that of his son, Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Richard B. Fitzgibbon III, who was killed on Sept. 7, 1965.

There are three sets of fathers and sons on the Wall.

39,996 on the Wall were just 22 or younger.

The largest age group, 8,283 were just 19 years old

3,103 were 18 years old.

12 soldiers on the Wall were 17 years old.

5 soldiers on the Wall were 16 years old.

One soldier, PFC Dan Bullock was 15 years old.

997 soldiers were killed on their first day in Vietnam.

1,448 soldiers were killed on their last day in Vietnan.

31 sets of brothers are on the Wall.

Thirty one sets of parents lost two of their sons.

54 soldiers on the Wall attended Thomas Edison High School in Philadelphia. I wonder why so many from one school.

8 Women are on the Wall. Nursing the wounded.

244 soldiers were awarded the Medal of Honor during the Vietnam War; 153 of them are on the Wall.

Beallsville, Ohio with a population of 475 lost 6 of her sons.

West Virginia had the highest casualty rate per capita in the nation. There are 711 West Virginians on the Wall.


The Marines of Morenci - They led some of the scrappiest high school football and basketball teams that the little Arizona copper town of Morenci (pop. 5,058) had ever known and cheered. They enjoyed roaring beer busts. In quieter moments, they rode horses along the Coronado Trail, stalked deer in the Apache National Forest. And in the patriotic camaraderie typical of Morenci's mining families, the nine graduates of Morenci High enlisted as a group in the Marine Corps. Their service began on Independence Day, 1966. Only 3 returned home.

The Buddies of Midvale - LeRoy Tafoya, Jimmy Martinez, Tom Gonzales were all boyhood friends and lived on three consecutive streets in Midvale, Utah on Fifth, Sixth and Seventh avenues. They lived only a few yards apart. They played ball at the adjacent sandlot ball field. And they all went to Vietnam. In a span of 16 dark days in late 1967, all three would be killed. LeRoy was killed on Wednesday, Nov. 22, the fourth anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination. Jimmy died less than 24 hours later on Thanksgiving Day. Tom was shot dead assaulting the enemy on Dec. 7, Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.

The most casualty deaths for a single day was on January 31, 1968 ~ 245 deaths.

The most casualty deaths for a single month was May 1968 - 2,415 casualties were incurred.

That's 2,415 dead in a single month

Another Soldier's Story

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Getting it Right Means Making it Right

This was written in response to a phone call I got from Art Corley, letting me know that Samuel Boyd Jr's headstone had finally been correctly marked to read, 101st ABN Div, which in long form reads, "101st Airborne Division"

For those of you who expressed an interest in the miss-marked headstone of Samuel Boyd Jr., I am happy to report that on this Memorial Day in 2011 when Art Corley visits Samuel's graveside, the headstone will read 101st ABN Div. That was the unit patch that was on his sleeve when he was killed as result of hostile action on June 6th, 1968, and so now after resting silently for more than 42 years the error has been corrected.

Samuel's story probably has never been told and I can only speculate at much of it with the limited information we were able to gather, along with what Art can recall through personal conversations prior to Samuel's death. He was born on July 28th, 1944, in Newark, NJ. He attended Newark Vocational High School and we are not sure whether or not if he graduated. The address he gave as his home of record no longer exists, nor does the street. After much searching and placement of articles in the local newspapers, no family members came forward.

Samuel was drafted into the US Army on Nov 8th, 1967. If you want to do some research, or you have any memory of that time, much of Newark was in flames and what they called race riots were the order of the day in many northern cities of our country. With all this as a backdrop for this young man's beginnings, and his prospect for a future, he finds himself in the US Army and on his way to Vietnam with minimal training and less desire on May 1st 1968. Thirty-five days later he was dead. He, and about 25 other guys like him were the replacements for the casualties my platoon had taken on May 1st. From what I can piece together, Samuel came into country on the 1st of May and got to the unit, A Troop, 2/17th Cav on May 13th. He was killed on June 6th, 1968. The hell of it is that he was in my platoon for 17 days before I was medevaced out on May 30th. I don't have any recollection of him; his name, his face, his physical features, nothing. And, there were others I'm sure who came and went the same way. In a way, Samuel is my Unknown Soldier who I have finally come to know by name.

I want to thank brother Art Corley. I can't recall who found who a few months ago, but from here on out, we found each other. Also, I realize I'm still putting humpty dumpty back together.

One Day Set Aside for those who Gave it All

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.



The name of John McCrae (1872-1918) may seem out of place in the distinguished company of World War I poets, but he is remembered for what is probably the single best-known and popular poem from the war, "In Flanders Fields." He was a Canadian physician and fought on the Western Front in 1914, but was then transferred to the medical corps and assigned to a hospital in France. He died of pneumonia while on active duty in 1918. His volume of poetry, In Flanders Fields and Other Poems, was published in 1919.



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Thank you farmers

These photos were taken about a week ago in southwestern MN. The Fall Harvest goes non-stop until all is done. Thank you all, good farmers of America, and around the world.....and to the ingenuity that invented the machinery to release the rest us non farmers to do our parts to contribute to society. I could not swing a hammer ...all day and grow enough to eat at the same time. We owe much to those who do the planting and harvesting.

This Has Been Along Time Coming

From a email I posted 5/1/2010

Today is the 35th anniversary of the fall of Saigon, and there may even be a few editorial written today, saying we should have fought on to some mythical victory, or some will say we should have never gone. As we all know, should have, and could have, isn't what happened, and for all of us who were around at the time, and made the choices we made. We are left to live with those choices.

So after all these years, rather than debating either side of should have, could have, I'd like to briefly describe my April 30th of 35 years ago. The impact of those images of Saigon falling will never leave me.

35 years ago today I was living and working in Lincoln Nebraska. I had bought a old house the year before; I was working as an apprentice carpenter; I thought I had worked my way through all my inter-conflicts with my time in Vietnam seven years earlier, and life was good. Then I came home to my old two story frame house in need of many repairs, after work on April 30, 1975, and turned on the TV, got a beer out of the frig, and sat down to see what had happen that day on the news. Saigon was falling right in front of me. For along time I wanted the war to end, but never gave consideration as to how it would look. Well, seeing those images on television that day, it didn't take long to realize, my inter-conflicts were still present and accounted for.

There I was, forced to face a truth which I had avoided from the time I came home in 1968 to that moment. “It was all for nothing.” To give your all in a six minute wrestling match, or forty eight minutes of a high school football game, and loose. Well, everybody lives to play another day. In war, when it's all over after giving it your all, there are some who don't live to fight another day, win or loose. It was overwhelming sitting there trying to comprehend the amount of death and destruction, some of which I caused, as if I were tallying up the final score. Then the tears came that I had been holding back for the previous eight years. The events of that day made for a long night, but by morning, I had everything stuffed back down as all good soldiers do for god and country, and went to work in the morning. It was another ten years before I said ouch, thus beginning my journey home, finally.

Every soldier, of every war, win or loose, lives with the remnants of their wars. It's a downside that isn't given equal measure as countries give in it's lives lost, and dollars and cents spent. Maybe someday. Then we just might pick our wars differently